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Come visit me sometime. http://idyllia.blogspot.com

Loads of Sebastian cuteness and all our misadventures.

xo

K

(holy crap I've been gone a long time - creating this entry has been an exercise in frustration)
I have not been keeping up with livejournal at all- I am all over facebook (the evil that that is) as well as over at blogger. I am always on hipmama.com too (it is a wonder I find time to parent).

Hope everyone is doing well.

xo

K

PS. my new journal: http://idyllia.blogspot.com - come visit! - also I am idyllia on hipmama.com , if any of my mama friends are ever over there.

he poops!

in the potty. Okay, well, he did it once and it was fucking awesome!

I noticed earlier this week he had started to say "mom" immediately before bearing down. So today when he was playing with dad he pulled his "mom" thing and Andrew sprinted to the potty with him to "complete the transaction" they were both beaming when they came out to tell me. In my excitement I picked Sebastian up to hug as Andrew gives me this look I can only interpret as "uh, that was a bad idea, Kate" and sheepishly admits he hadn't quite made it to the bum-wiping part of the process. So my new dress (which is cute as hell, by the way) has been christened and I am back in my uniform of jeans and a tank top.

I don't even care about the damned dress (it *is* cute as hell, though) - I am just so happy to welcome the "potty training" stage into our lives. I hate diapers (and the laundering of diapers) enough to seriously consider going diaper-free this time. We have been using disposables since moving day (nearly two weeks now) and the break from washing diapers is blissful (though I feel awful about the environmental impact- making our current potty endeavour even *more* timely). I have not quite figured out how to do the cloth diapers while using a laundromat, I just don't think it would be cool - even if the owners were okay with it I worry that other patrons would be grossed out by the thought of sharing their wash-space with diapers. Poop is a touchy subject no matter how emphatically you insist there is none present in the diapers you are cleaning. I digress... My point is that I am so very excited to get Sebastian trained and have set an imaginary deadline of whenever the disposables we have on hand run out (a couple weeks, give or take). After that we have some training pants tucked away and can sort something less disposable out for nights that can bee innocuously slipped into our weekly laundry.

In other news, I went shopping today (BAD KATE) and bought some new, uber-comfy maternity jeans. It is amazing how my requirements for pregnancy wear have changed in 2 years. Back when I was pregs with Sebastian I was all about the cute styles and wouldn't even TRY anything with a front panel. This time? Front panels *RULE* and everything I bought has loads of stretch. I do not want to grow out of clothes at the depressing rate I did last time. It is bad enough that I am getting fatter by the day- to then be confronted by a closet full of already oversize clothing that doesn't fit is crushing.

On today's shopping trip I also picked up some amazing chocolate-dipped gummy-bears (I am not ignorant enough to believe they are gelatin-free - just enough of an asshole not to care) and a bottle of oil that promises to soothe the savage child. It smells really nice, if nothing else, but I am hoping it will help during the late-afternoon "witching hour(s)" even if I am the only one it manages to calm.

http://idyllia.blogspot.com


Okay, not nothing but rain. In fact the sun has been shining a lot lately and with it my mood is lifting.

I haven't written in ages because, frankly, I have been too bummed. I keep trying to write- I know for a fact that it helps me through times like these. But like so many blue funks before I instead retreated into aimless busy-work. Things like bouncing around hipmama.com or facebook or just wandering around the internet from curious article to curious article.


I have been taking in all the recent world changes, the deaths of people of historical significance, Kurt Vonnegut, Boris Yeltsin, the people of Virginia Tech... I have been hit over the head with the reality of global warming (though we all know we knew it long ago - we just thought our kids would be left holding the bag. Denial is a comfortable place.) My family's gone veg, something that's been a long time coming - I used my pregnancy to excuse my one jump off the wagon, I had a delicious steak while enjoying a free expensive dinner with one of my favourite mamas. We've moved to a new place much closer to EVERYTHING we moved to Vancouver for. We're struggling to adapt to a real budget that promises to get our debt-ridden asses out of the red one day. I am adjusting to my new dual role as baby-oven and toddler wrangler while simultaneously trying to restore order to our new abode. Life, as usual, is filled with highs and lows and I continue to handle them with my oft-unproductive, but dramatic flair.

On pregnancy - I have alluded to the fact that my pregnancy has taken more getting used to than I had anticipated. The reality is I went through what I realise now were the five stages of grief. Grief for the future I had lost, the plans I had made that would now be put on hold or altered entirely. All stages denial, anger, bargaining, depression - leading me to acceptance. I've been embarrassed to admit I felt this way. I really did want to get pregnant again. But I also really wanted my imagined life as mother of an only child. The relative ease with which I would be able to go back to school, how connected I imagined we would be, how we would travel and do things together... this reality isn't going to be a huge shift from that one (I hope) and I know that much of my desire to have him be an only child was to make up for my perception that I was the ignored older sibling of a much younger (half) sister. What I do know is that I can control how that all goes down as long as I stay mindful - a tall order for most parents. I have come to eagerly anticipate having a second child, though find myself just barely aware of my pregnancy much of the time. This attitude is so different from that of my first pregnancy that I often wonder if I "ought" to be more caught up in the"magic" of it all or if this "been there, done that" attitude is pretty normal.

Regardless of attitude the reality of my pregnancy is becoming more and more apparent. I have this odd counter-intuitive bodily reaction occuring where I am not gaining much weight (two pounds since getting knocked-up) but not one thing still fits well, I spend most of my days in my one pair of stretchy pregnancy jeans, the ones that keep my ever-expanding flubber contained in such a way as to simulate a cute pregnant belly, and on the days they're dirty I spend as much time as motherly possible trying to shove myself into something that doesn't make me look like the fat-ass I am (pregnant or not, I am a fat-ass). I desperately fight the urge to blow all the bill money on cute pregnancy clothes that I don't have to hold up with an elastic band. My mood-swings have lessened in frequency and severity but are still causing much tension chez casa del forsyth.

Tomorrow, Andrew is taking a sick day so that we can just bum about doing whatever we feel like (ignoring the packing/unpacking and cleaning/painting that require doing by end of month). I am looking forward to what I hope will be a day "off" for all of us. Dinner is already half-finished (leftovers from tonight's burritos will be mexican rice tomorrow), the house is tidy and all major chores have been done. I only counted nine boxes on my walk through tonight, and nothing essential in any of them. If the sun comes out (which is unlikely) we will hit the beach, if not we will grab coffees and got play at the park in the rain before looking for other ways to spend our time (I may, MAY, allow myself a modest shopping trip for another pair of pants and a shirt or two. I haven't decided yet), alternatively I pull out the sewing machine and start on a new mei-tai carrier for Sebastian. He's in a phase where he hates the stroller but can't walk all that far without needing a ride and my hips can't take much more of him riding on one side.

Yeah, maybe I'll do that.

PS. I am in the process of moving my journal to http://idyllia.blogspot.com/

lazy bum

That's me. I have spent the bulk of the last days sitting on my butt doing as little as possible. Really. As much as it pains me to be so lazy, I just can't wrap my head around actually getting much of anything done. When I do go out on a mission (say to buy hot dogs for boo's lunch) my stupidity astounds even me. Which leads me to want to just curl up on the couch and do nothing. As for the hot dogs - we came home $60 poorer and hot dog-less. He just kept chanting "dog, dog dog dog dog dogdogdogdogdog" at me until I tossed some Annie's shells and cheddar at him. (Okay, you know I didn't throw it at him... but I readily admit that a part of me wanted to.)

Today the sun was out and our power off (see photo) so we took a drive up to the nearest green space (not that far away but too uphill to walk) and spent over an hour running about. I had cleverly dressed in a long white skirt - clever because I could then *prove* that I had played in the muck with my toddler to anyone who might care. The worst part? I am still wearing the damned thing, mud and all.

Because pregnancy is, in fact, eating my brain I will just leave you with a couple of photos and an empty promise of a better update in the near future.

____________________________________________________________________

Hey, my baby is a punk baby too!!!! See? He even has a skull shirt... man, I am just the coolest mum - shhh... don't tell anyone I got it out of the bargain bin at baby tease for $5.00.

He does look totally cute and hardcore with his hair all spiky post-bath. And that half-grin/half-glare he's giving the camera is priceless.



Apparently I am to blame the squirrels for today's 4+ hour power outage (which irritatingly began 15 minutes early as I was in the middle of getting an address from my email so I could possibly pick up my nausea tea today - oh well, I did other things and today was a pretty good day, tummy-wise).



I'm including this picture only because he looks so freaking adorable and I have to share things like that with all of you. When he grows up to be a rock star (and cleverly avoids all the trappings of stardom that cause the brilliant to die young) this picture will be featured in rolling stone.



And pictures from today's park outing. I am beginning to see such a change in my little boy. He is no longer just another adorable kid - he has this intelligence and personality that is strong enough to now even come through on film. He is terribly curious and independent - but checks often to make sure I am nearby. There was one point where I had moved to get a better shot and when he looked up and didn't see me this wave of concern swept over his face - but it was not followed by panic or anxiety - he very calmly began looking all over for me and once he'd spotted me he smiled and went right back to exploring as though there was nothing wrong. And there wasn't. I admire his budding maturity and take some pride in the fact that Andrew and I have helped him get to a point where he feels confident that he is taken care of even when we're not immediately visible. I remember well those days of separation anxiety when being in another room was cause for panic. Now he still has a strong desire to be everywhere I am, he doesn't have a compulsion to be in constant visual contact.



old geezer?!?!?!!?

The Everything Test

There are many different types of tests on the internet today. Personality tests, purity tests, stereotype tests, political tests. But now, there is one test to rule them all.

Traditionally, online tests would ask certain questions about your musical tastes or clothing for a stereotype, your experiences for a purity test, or deep questions for a personality test.We're turning that upside down - all the questions affect all the results, and we've got some innovative results too! Enjoy :-)

Personality
You are more emotional than logical, more concerned about others than concerned about self, more atheist than religious, more dependent than loner, more lazy than workaholic, more rebel than traditional, more artistic mind than engineering mind, more cynical than idealist, more leader than follower, and more introverted than extroverted.

As for specific personality traits, you are adventurous (90%), intellectual (80%), romantic (71%), artistic (66%).

Stereotypes
Old Geezer83%
Prep77%
Punk Rock67%
 
Life Experience
Sex50%
Substances38%
Travel9%

Politics
Your political views would best be described as Socialist, whom you agree with around 100% of the time.
  Socioeconomic
Your attitude toward life best associates you with Middle Class. You make more than 0% of those who have taken this test, and 4% more than the U.S. average.

If your life was a movie, it would be rated R.
By the way, your hottness rank is 45%, hotter than 65% of other test takers.

TAKE THE TEST
brought to you by thatsurveysite

the bright side of morning sickness

These last few days have been rough - morning sickness showed up this weekend skipping hand-in-hand with a sinus infection. I've spent the bulk of the last three days alternating between trying to pretend nothing was wrong and curled up in a ball wanting to melt away. This has led to piles of half-finished projects and amusing bed-head.

I managed to get the fridge and freezer cleaned out yesterday, an important task as there were some unintentional middle school science projects developing complete with the illusion of a fully stocked fridge with very little actual edible food inside. I now know exactly what foods we have available - and what foods will very soon become inedible - so with luck and some planning we will be able to keep ourselves fed for the next two weeks without resorting to eating awful (and at the moment unaffordable) take-out. This afternoon I am going to head to the local natural foods store and hope that I can pick up the makings of chilli and beans and rice and the like that I can cook up easily and freeze easily so that when I feel too nauseated to cook, Andrew can just pop em out of the freezer and feed himself. At the moment I am subsisting on very small "real" meals when I can stomach them complimented by rye crackers and tea. My sinus infection has actually come in handy in this regard as without my sense of smell, very little has made me feel like vomiting in three days. I even ate a breakfast wrap this morning! I have no idea if it tasted good, and it is sitting a little funny in my tummy, but it contained all the food groups (including salsa - yes, it is its own food group) and gave me the energy to chase Sebastian around the park for an hour.

I have lost three pounds since last week, but am not terribly worried - I am still taking my vitamins, have eaten something every day and, it is no secret, I have stored up enough "energy" to keep me and both my kids from starving to death any time soon. I am drinking amazing amounts of water and tea and have discovered the miracle that is the smoothie.

Oh my... I just realised the reason I feel so dammed good today... I just had my first full strength coffee in at least 4 days (due to morning sickness). I'm sure the wrap helped too.

I am a full-fledged coffee addict. I can drink it all day, I love the buzz it gives me, I occasionally abuse it, I feel inhuman without it and apparently put myself through some killer withdrawal these last few days. Good to know. I'm not ready for a 12-step program or anything, but I will keep this all in mind next time I consider going cold turkey.

This post has veered so far from where I had originally meant to take it that I can't quite remember where I was going. So instead I will share some of the absolute cuteness that is Sebastian and try to do something productive around the house before my buzz wears off.

say cheeseCollapse )

speaking of birthdays...

mine's coming up "soon" (in May) and all I want are tickets to this show. hint hint hint hint

Happy Birthday at_the_stars

best wishes for a great year!

lots of love,

kate

random thoughts

I've been scarce lately, not just on-line, but in real life as well. I have this disconcerting feeling of just not quite being present in any moment. It is a feeling I am familiar with in the same way I am familiar with the shape of my body or the colour of my eyes... something I have so much experience with but rarely think about without having a mirror right in front of me.

This journal has been serving as my mirror of late and I am really enjoying the act of writing out my thoughts and the sense of community and... dare I say it... acceptance when someone lets me know they've read it. It makes me concious of the thoughts I put out there in a way I never was when writing as theantibarbie, because as many people read that journal - not a one did I know in the quote-unquote real world. Oddly enough this switch has actually led me to be more open and *cough* honest in my writing. Because I know that someone out there can call bullshit if I put forward lies and half-truths (though I still reserve a tiny bit of poetic license).

The problem is it also makes me self-edit when there's something hounding my thoughts that is difficult to talk about. Things like marriage troubles, disenchantment, money troubles, parental struggles (with my son and with my own parents), and all that other stuff I would casually label as boring - but is, in fact, stuff that makes me all squirmy. I guess I want this journal to show off how "happy" and "wonderful" and "amazing" everything is. I don't want people to see my scars, to see me as weak and wounded, or *gasp* helpless or *big gasp* clueless.

But, the reality is, I am scarred, I am scared, I am weak sometimes, and clueless often. I need help, I need friends and hugs and to stop hiding from myself.

My history is not unimportant, as it made me the messed up narcissist I am today, but it is the past. I am no longer the twelve year old begging the bus driver to just let me off the bus so the kids will stop teasing me. I am not the teenager wondering if bulimia is really "that" bad... but, thankfully, remembering how much I hate throwing up. I am now a mother who gets freaked by the other moms at playgroup because I think I'm just not cool enough to talk to them (Kristi - I totally thought you were too cool for me - HA, there, I said it) because I do still see myself as this awkward adolescent... my early 20s were a mess... and some days it feels like I suddenly woke up with a husband and a toddler and, oh shit, a bun in the oven... who the hell am I???

So, a few random thoughts that have been keeping me up at night:

My mother still doesn't know I am pregnant - who knows, she might find out on here. I tell myself I did my due diligence because I called her last weekend and left a brief message and she's the one who didn't call back. The reality is I am scared. I am scared because we're not that close and the last time I called her up to excitedly tell her I was pregnant her reaction was less than enthusiastic. She came around and is so happy to have a grandson - but.... we're this distant, impersonal family and I just don't know how to relate within that. So, I have made excuses all week - too late to call, too early to call, too busy to call - but I'm not buying them and I don't know who else I could be making them for. This Sunday I am going to try again and hope that I get an answer and hope that I can get over my own insecurities and ambivalence about this pregnancy to somewhere where I can sound happy and excited and avoid the awful feeling I was left with the last time. Maybe I should just tell the answering machine.

Speaking of family, I haven't been very good to mine. I have been absent and I'm not certain I can blame it entirely on the whole pregnancy thing. My house is and has been a complete mess, our finances are now a little mess because I wasn't paying enough attention as I was paying bills and put more money out there than I needed to or we could *really* afford. We're not headed to the food bank (or even the discount food store) quite yet, but we don't have as much of a bubble as I would like. I have barely been cooking or doing my other household stuff. Sebastian has watched our old school sesame street dvds so many times I swear both of us can recite them. I've been letting my fear of what is coming and all the things we need to do paralyse me to the point that I am hating on my home and can't deal with the mess and disorganisation, but also can't fathom all the work it would take to fix it. We keep making small strides and finding ourselves right back in the same place.

And I have to write to my grandmother... I think I am the only grandchild who never writes... my cousins all seem to have gotten the correspondence gene and I am totally missing it. It was, and remains, on of the things I am "working on" it seems like a lot of my life is things I am "working on."

I guess that isn't necessarily a bad thing - constantly working to be a better person is worthwhile and fulfilling. I have lived so much of my life feeling like I was at a stop-gap, that the end was just over the next rise and I could finally rest my weary head and move on. Maybe that comes from growing up with sit-coms and video games and not that many friends. No matter what it stems from it is my demon to overcome - this idea that at some point everything gets easier, everything stops changing, that there is a point where nothing will sneak up on me and I'll just die of old age surrounded by friends and family... no surprises, no tragedies, no other shoes dropping. I have had enough. Ha.

I guess you takes your breathers where you can get them in. You find the things that re-connect you to your sanity and your core self - be they yoga, crafting, painting, writing or whatever - and you make yourself a little space to come home to.

I keep getting so caught up in the bits and bobs of everyday life that I forget that losing an hour's sleep might be a fair trade for a chance to sort my thoughts out. That, perhaps, making the time to make cool things might be worth figuring out a way to balance that with a toddler who absolutely will not sleep while the sewing machine is running - I'm sure he'd watch evil Dora even if the walls were falling down all around. That we all need our outlets and even if I don't understand my husband's love of video games that involve the blowing up of other people, maybe I just roll with it because it makes him feel sane.

And maybe that little bit of extra work to get things the way I want them to be is more than worth it to be happy(ish) in a home that we are altogether unhappy with at this point.

Spring is in the air and not a moment too soon.

ETA - I wanted to mention the awesome, amazing mom's night out we had yesterday (cleverly masquerading as a babysitting co-op meeting). It was so much fun and so amazingly therapeutic. I just love the ladies in my mom's group!

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